A 2015 Darwin Nominee’s Last Words: “Fuck the alligators!”

Only once in a century

Not a MENSA member

Tommie Woodward, 28, ignored warning signs and dismissed employee’s pleas against swimming at Bukart’s Marina at about 2:30 a.m., officials said.
“He said, ‘blank the alligators’ and jumped into the water and almost immediately yelled for help,” Orange County Justice of the Peace Rodney Price told KDFM, likely censoring himself for the camera.

Texas alligator attack victim mocked animal before jumping in bayou

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2015 Darwin Awards Nominees Gets First Fireworks Fatality

Update: Maine man dies after launching firework off his head

His brother Cody Staples, 25, told the Daily News he was standing five feet away from Devon in a backyard in Calais, Maine. He said his brother was holding a lighter and it accidentally caused the firework to go off.

Man Dies When Large Firework He’s Holding Next To His Head Explodes

“Walled Lake Police Chief Paul Shakinas told the Detroit Free Press. Alcohol was a factor, the chief added to the newspaper, and the man may not have realized the firework had been lit.”

DC Council: ‘Our citizens are minding the law too well… Fuck them, raise the price of parking’

The D.C. Council on Thursday is prepared to consider whether to raise parking ticket fines by $5 and extend the hours for when meters in “premium zones,” which include the busiest commercial districts, will be in effect, from the current 10 p.m. until midnight. Parking ticket fines currently range from $25 to $250, depending on the violation.

via End of an era: Technology is changing the way we park as tickets decline – The Washington Post.

Teach diaper-wearing lawyers not to abduct and torture other lawyers

Over the next several hours, Morrogh said Fisher and Duncan were held and threatened. According to prosecutors, Andrew Schmuhl fired a shot over Duncan’s head and flicked the lights on and off inside the house, as if to signal someone. Morrogh said Duncan saw someone that fit Alecia Schmuhl’s description outside their home, and Andrew Schmuhl was seen by the couple talking on a cellphone to someone.

Ghads.  What went though these two idiot’s minds?

Honey, what happened?

I was fired from the firm today.

But you are the best litigator I know.  Why did they do that?

I don’t know honey.  Everyone has always told me I was a great lawyer.  That mean senior partner told me I was fired.

Well, lets go kill him and his wife.

Okay,  but I want to torture them first–and this time, you have to wear the diaper.

Well alright Schnookims. “

via Attorneys face hearing in ‘torture session’ revenge plot that ended with one in diaper – The Washington Post.

In Spicoli’s Paradise: The dissent of comedy is no long tolerated

Turning serious, Marquez tells the crowd that the socialist revolution, launched 16 years ago by the late Hugo Chavez, is collapsing under the weight of bad policies and corrupt public officials.

That message doesn’t sit well with Venezuela’s president, Nicolas Maduro. Besides jailing opposition leaders and cracking down on protesters, the Maduro government is now going after comics.

Marquez says that three of his recent shows were canceled after all three clubs that booked him were suddenly closed down for alleged tax evasion. He’s also been shut out of government-run theaters and hotels.

via It’s No Joke: Venezuela Cracks Down On Comedians : Parallels : NPR.

“That’s right sir. 30 city and 42 highway and 5-10 years in the penitentiary for changing your owns spark plugs “

Dear Car Companies: This is NOT a Good “Features and Benefits” Point

These 12 car companies are lobbying hard to make working on the electrical and computer components of your own car illegal. General Motors has told the Copyright Office that proponents of copyright reform mistakenly “conflate ownership of a vehicle with ownership of the underlying computer software in a vehicle.”
General Motors also says that your car qualifies as a “mobile computing device.” Tinkering with it, therefore, could be a copyright violation because although you do own your car, you do not own the computer code inside it. Jail-breaking your iPad is currently illegal for the same reason. By the way, jail-breaking your iPhone is still legal; it’s just one more example of a government regulation that is full of double standards.

Get. Bent.

via 12 big car companies are trying to make working on your own car illegal – Watchdog.org.

Being Gay Does Not Mean You Have to Vote For Dumb Political Theater Laws

Boehning reportedly sent several messages under the handle “Top Man!” to 21-year-old Dustin Smith including unsolicited pictures of his penis. This was at the same time he was voting down several bills that would provide protections for LGBT people in one of the country’s most conservative states.

I am certain the US and North Dakota Constitutions already prevent discrimination against people.   These are an extra-legal push to the rest of society to: ACCEPT!! God-Dammit!

Bake the Cake

Accept Us, Or Else!

via N.D. state rep. outed by Grindr match – UPI.com.

N. Gillespie: College Today is Very Expensive Kindergarten

But really, what the fuck is wrong with kids these days and, more important, the supposed adults who look after them? They act as if they are raising human veal that cannot even stand on their own legs or face the sunlight without having their eyeballs burned out and their hearts broken by a single deep breath or uncomfortable moment. I’m just waiting for stories of college deans carrying students on from class to class on their backs.

Spot on.

via Trigger Warning: College Kids Are Human Veal – The Daily Beast.

Are you now or have you ever been a ‘climate contrarian’?

There’s also a palpable religious feel to the denunciations. That student-started petition calling for Lomborg to be kept off campus demands that this be done ‘In the name of science’. Once we had ‘In the name of the Lord’, now we have ‘In the name of science’. The terminology used to denounce those who question climate change, particularly ‘DENIER’, brings to mind dark, intolerant episodes from history when anyone who called into question the truth of the Bible or the authority of the Church was likewise hounded out of universities (think John Wycliffe, expelled from Oxford in 1382 for riling church elders).
The most striking thing about the Lomborg scandal Down Under is the invention of a new term of abuse: ‘climate contrarian’. This is how Lomborg is being referred to by all the metaphorical pitchfork-wielders. Why? Because he isn’t a climate-change denier. He has said repeatedly that he thinks climate change is real and needs to be tackled, just not in the way mainstream greens think it should. So here, explicitly, we can see that someone is being demonised not for being ‘anti-science’ — the usual, unconvincing justification for shutting down criticism of the politics of climate change — but simply for holding the allegedly wrong political and moral views, for daring to put forward an alternative policy vision for environmental problems. As the UWA Student Guild said, ‘While Dr Lomborg doesn’t refute climate change itself’, he does have a ‘controversial track record [as a] climate contrarian’. And we can’t have controversy on a campus, can we?
This scandal exposes the true intolerance of the eco-lobby, their real censorious urge — which is not merely to ringfence science from ridicule, which is bad enough, but to prevent the expression of contrarian ideas. For years, greens have presented themselves as merely the rational, reasoned defenders of science against gangs of charlatans, when in truth they were all about protecting an ideology: the ideology of no-growth, of anti-development, of anti-progress, of population control, of modern-day misanthropy, fortified with bits of science but really expressing an underlying, elitist, growing contempt for humanity and its achievements. Now, in their assaults on Lomborg, their nakedly political censorship, their moral policing, their desire to deflect any criticism of their miserabilist, illiberal moral outlook, has been brilliantly exposed: they want to shut this man down, not because he denies scientific facts, but because he thinks differently to them. It is undiluted intolerance, and at a university too. Proof that the Western academy in the 21st century is giving the old heresy-hunting Church a run for its money in the bigotry-and-dogma stakes.

via Are you now or have you ever been a ‘climate contrarian’? | Australia | Environment | Free speech | spiked.

Senator Paul, please call your office: Ex-Im Bank Fraud

Siemens exported three dozen wind turbines to two Peruvian wind farms in 2014, and the U.S. Export-Import Bank provided $65 million in taxpayer financing, because all of the blades and some of the nacelles (the gear mechanisms inside the towers) were manufactured in the U.S. This subsidy won Ex-Im’s “Deal of the Year” presented this week at Ex-Im’s annual conference.

But the timing of this deal was odd, and it highlights a hole in the arguments made by the agency and its defenders. Here’s the thing: Siemens had already completed the sale to both wind farms, months before Ex-Im approved the loan.

via Export-Import Bank’s ‘Deal of the Year’ subsidized a sale that had already been made | WashingtonExaminer.com.

Not from The Onion: Chinese Crack Down on Strippers At Funerals

BEIJING (AP) – Chinese officials are launching a campaign to crack down on stripteases and other lewd shows that have become popular at funerals in some rural areas, the Ministry of Culture said Thursday.
The ministry said in a statement that it will tighten control over rural culture, where vulgar performances have been thriving because of a general lack of cultural events.
Such erotic performances at funerals are a relatively new phenomenon. Many rural people believe that a large attendance at funerals is a sign of honor for the deceased, and the shows are used to attract more people and display the family’s prosperity.
The funerals also are a rare occasion for crowds to gather as villagers working as migrant workers in industrial centers return home to bury the deceased.

via Chinese Officials to Crack Down on Strippers At Rural Funerals – US News.

Almost a “Darwin Award 2015” Nominee

Even more stupid than thought: Florida man bitten while kissing venomous snake 

Investigators say Austin Hatfield, 18, had captured the snake several days earlier, put it in a pillowcase and kept the pillowcase on his bed.
At some point on Saturday night, the snake escaped and the teen grabbed it close to his chest. The snake then bit him in the face, according to Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission Spokesperson Gary Morse.

You will have to try harder than that, Austin.

darwin nominee

Yes, you ARE a dumbass.

via Hillsborough teen bitten on face by water moccasin he kept on be – WFLA News Channel 8.

Ben Affleck: “Please don’t tell! Please don’t tell!”

‘…I want to stay one of the Kool Kids.’

Ghads.  Pathetic. 

I guess you won’t get invited to any of the really cool social gatherings? 

Ben Affleck requested that the PBS documentary series “Finding Your Roots” not reveal he had a slave-owning ancestor, according to emails published online by whistleblower site WikiLeaks, and the information never appeared on the program.
PBS and Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates, host of the show that traces the ancestry of well-known guests, said in separate statements that they didn’t censor the slave-owner details. Instead, more interesting ancestors of the actor emerged and Gates chose to highlight them in October’s segment featuring Affleck, they said in the statements posted on the PBS website.

via AP:

Who else has border problems? Daeshi threatens==>500k to EU (con’d)

UpdateThey are coming and bringing murder and death with them.

Muslims who were among migrants trying to get from Libya to Italy in a boat this week threw 12 fellow passengers overboard — killing them — because the 12 were Christians, Italian police said Thursday.
Italian authorities have arrested 15 people on suspicion of murdering the Christians at sea, police in Palermo, Sicily, said.

This seem like an easy problem for the EU; Ummm…. don’t let them in?

Oh.  What?  You …. you want the US to provide Coast Guard support.  Ships?  Men?  Tax dollars?  And    a    place    to   house    them?  Riiiiiiiight.

Okay.  Try this instead: just turn Cyprus into your own version of Guantanamo.  Try the Turks first.  They love them some Daeshi.

Daesh ISIS has threatened to flood Europe with half a million migrants from Libya in a ‘psychological’ attack against the West, it was claimed today.
Transcripts of telephone intercepts published in Italy claim to provide evidence that Daesh ISIS is threatening to send 500,000 migrants simultaneously out to sea in hundreds of boats in a ‘psychological weapon’ against Europe if there is military intervention against them in Libya.
Many would be at risk of drowning with rescue services unable to cope. But authorities fear that if numbers on this scale arrived, European cities could witness riots.
Separately, the militants hope to cement their control of Libya then cross the Mediterranean disguised as refugees, according to letters seen by Quilliam the anti-terror group, reported by the Telegraph.

If you can get on a boat, find a way to get into EU waters, you are automatically taken in to that country?  Someone tell the people held on Gibraltar.

via ISIS threatens to send 500,000 migrants to Europe as a ‘psychological weapon’ | Daily Mail Online.

The Garden City, Kansas School District, CPS, and Police Department are More Stupid Than a Box of Hair

I guess all violent and property crimes have been solved In Garden City.  Taxpayers there can rejoice.

This boy was defending his mother’s use of a drug that helps her deal with an awful condition. Because he stuck up for his mother, the state arrested her and ripped him away from her. Even if he is eventually returned to his mother (as he ought to be), the school, the town, and the state of Kansas have already done a lot more damage to this kid than Banda’s use of pot to treat her Crohn’s disease ever could.

Banda’s supporters have now set up a legal defense fund page for her at Go Fund Me.

If the extract was pure CBD oil, then this is no crime and not against the law.

via State seizes 11-year-old, arrests his mother after he defends medical marijuana during a school presentation – The Washington Post.

TSA Reminder: This is all to prevent terrorism…. or something

A CBS4 investigation has learned that two Transportation Security Administration screeners at Denver International Airport have been fired after they were discovered manipulating passenger screening systems to allow a male TSA employee to fondle the genital areas of attractive male passengers.
It happened roughly a dozen times, according to information gathered by CBS4.
According to law enforcement reports obtained during the CBS4 investigation, a male TSA screener told a female colleague in 2014 that he “gropes” male passengers who come through the screening area at DIA.
“He related that when a male he finds attractive comes to be screened by the scanning machine he will alert another TSA screener to indicate to the scanning computer that the party being screened is a female. When the screener does this, the scanning machine will indicate an anomaly in the genital area and this allows (the male TSA screener) to conduct a pat-down search of that area.”
Although the TSA learned of the accusation on Nov. 18, 2014 via an anonymous tip from one of the agency’s own employees, reports show that it would be nearly three months before anything was done.

Ummm… am I a homophobe for pointing this out?

via CBS4 Investigation: TSA Screeners At DIA Manipulated System To Grope Men’s Genitals « CBS Denver.

Cancer Is Not Contagious But Stupidity Is, at Alaska Airlines

“I’m being removed as if I’m a criminal or contagious because I have cancer,” she can be heard saying. “No note to fly. Does anybody wonder how I got to Hawaii? My family is being forcibly removed from the airplane because I have cancer.”

In the video, Sedway repeatedly apologizes to her fellow passengers for delaying their flight.

“God bless you,” one passenger can be heard saying.

“I am scheduled for chemo, at home, on Tuesday and Wednesday,” Sedway wrote on Facebook after the incident. “Because of this, I will miss my chemotherapy, my children will miss school, and my husband will miss important meetings.”

via Alaska Airlines apologizes after kicking woman off flight for having cancer – The Washington Post.

The “Food Babe” Blogger Is Full of Shit

Hari’s superhero origin story is that she came down with appendicitis and didn’t accept the explanation that appendicitis just happens sometimes. So she quit her job as a consultant, attended Google University and transformed herself into an uncredentialed expert in everything she admittedly can’t pronounce. Slap the catchy moniker “Food Babe” on top, throw in a couple of trend stories and some appearances on the Dr. Oz show, and we have the new organic media darling.

..

Hari uses this tricky technique again and again. If I told you that a chemical that’s used as a disinfectant, used in industrial laboratory for hydrolysis reactions, and can create a nasty chemical burn is also a common ingredient in salad dressing, would you panic? Be suspicious that the industries were poisoning your children? Think it might cause cancer? Sign a petition to have it removed?

What if I told you I was talking about vinegar, otherwise known as acetic acid?

via The “Food Babe” Blogger Is Full of Shit.

mohammedans murder christians for allahs’ glory (Kenya II): Kundi la nguruwe copulating mbwa

Al-Shabab gunmen rampaged through a university in northeastern Kenya at dawn Thursday, killing 147 people in the group’s deadliest attack in the East African country. Four militants were slain by security forces to end the siege just after dusk.

The masked attackers — strapped with explosives and armed with AK-47s — singled out non-Muslim students

Wait wah?  What a weasel worded excuse and apology. “…non-muslim students…”  JUST WRITE THE FUCKING TRUTH.

How would you have written about the Holocaust?  ‘…non-pork eating people were rounded up…’ ?

Pathetic.

at Garissa University College and then gunned them down without mercy, survivors said. Others ran for their lives with bullets whistling through the air.

If you were a Christian, you were shot on the spot,” he said. “With each blast of the gun, I thought I was going to die.”

The gunmen then started shooting rapidly, as if exchanging fire, Wetangula said.

Kundi la nguruwe copulating mbwa.

via Al-Shabab militants kill 147 at university in Kenya.